LIVE THE TRUTH of your Gay Self free from confusion, conflict, and pain.
Gay-Affirmative Therapy
for sexually diverse men and women struggling to live authentic lives.
David Matheson, CMHC
Difficult intersections between sexual orientation; religion, faith and spirituality; conflicting cultural and relational demands; and trauma cause:
- Stress
- Shame
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Hypervigilance
- And mental confusion
DAVID MATHESON, CMHC
Difficult Intersections
Difficult Intersections
Difficult Intersections
Culture, race, family, religion, spirituality and sexual orientation: for the privileged majority in society, these different parts of life intersect in ways that complement each other and create inner stability and resilience. For example, it's comparatively easy to be a straight, white Christian. But for people who are sexually diverse, these parts of life can intersect in ways that cause sharp contradiction and create painful inner conflict and instability.
These intersectional contradictions can be traumatizing enough on their own. But sexually diverse people also tend to have more sexual, physical and emotional trauma in their histories than the general population.
Abuse and Trauma
Difficult Intersections
Difficult Intersections
I define sexual abuse as being involved in a sexual experience or an erotically charged situation against your will, without your consent, or before you are developmentally ready for it. Sometimes, these experiences are physically or psychically painful. But other times the victim may feel pleasure, which can make the experience very confusing. Sexual abuse is extremely common among sexually diverse people.
Sexually diverse people also experience high rates of developmental trauma (also referred to as complex trauma), which may be defined as repeated incidents of terror, abuse, mistreatment, loss or neglect that happen over the course of childhood and adolescence.
Conversion Therapy
Difficult Intersections
Confusing Sexuality
From the 1980s through the 2010s, many gay and lesbian people from high-demand religions and cultures tried a variety of methods to change their sexual orientation. I was part of that movement. Ultimately, most of us admitted to ourselves that orientation doesn't change, regardless of what methods you attempt or how hard you try. Some people are capable of repressing their natural orientation, but with the rarest exceptions, people don't go from gay to straight through religion or therapy.
In my experience, most of the people who have sought conversion therapy did so because of the difficult intersections I described previously. While some types of conversion therapy may have helped some people with certain aspects of their distress, it did not accomplish the main purpose for which they sought it. And in the worst cases, conversion therapy wasn't just ineffective, it was actually harmful.
Confusing Sexuality
Fragmentation, Confusion and Disempowerment
Confusing Sexuality
Abuse, trauma, conversion therapy, and the kinds of intersectional contradictions I discussed previously may all impact sexuality in ways that research is just beginning to consider. But through my decades of experience, some of these impacts are beginning to become clear to me. Of particular importance is the way in which religious hetero-imperativity (the demand that one must be straight) can stunt normal sexual development in gay and lesbian people. While this is still occurs among younger generations, it is extremely common among Gen X and Boomers, who experienced even more intense hetero-imperativity and homonegativity growing up than is typical today. Symptoms of this stunting that I've observed among my clients include:
- An inability to incorporate homosexuality as part of their identity
- Sexual compulsions resulting from shame and repression of their innate desires.
- False bisexuality (homosexual people who live a seemingly straight life)
- A sense of not knowing themselves and a tendency to feel controlled by outside forces
Fragmentation, Confusion and Disempowerment
Fragmentation, Confusion and Disempowerment
Fragmentation, Confusion and Disempowerment
Intersectional contradictions, abuse and trauma, and confusion about sexuality tend to leave people fragmented, confused and disempowered. For some, it feels like they have a dysfunctional family of selves living inside them who cannot seem to agree on anything. Thus, their inner experiences of desire, needs, aspirations and right and wrong can shift radically depending on which “self” has control of the mind, body, or mouth at the moment.
This can create tremendous amounts of regret and guilt. Others experience themselves as living in a fog or under a dark cloud of depression and anxiety. Most people in this circumstance find themselves painfully confused about who and what they are, what they want from life, and which direction they should go. This confusion disempowers and shuts down their ability to pursue a satisfying course in life.
Recovery and Growth
Fragmentation, Confusion and Disempowerment
Fragmentation, Confusion and Disempowerment
The human heart and mind have an amazing ability to heal and recover.
Your heart can grow beyond the painful emotions.
Your mind can clear itself of the confusion and find its way back to your inner truth.
But you may not be able to recover on our own without the help of someone trained and experienced in the special skillset that is required. Sadly, even many licensed mental health professionals are not equipped for this journey.
I have personally lived this journey. And I have helped others along this path for the past 28 years.